Tag: mental-health

Whole bunch of somethings

I posted my blog info on my Instagram today and I feel like I just released a part of my brain to people I know now. Oh well. Naaa not oh well. It makes me nervous as heck to be honest. But this is what I am working on. I swear I have imposter syndrome. I just write for fun so who am I, ya know?

I realize I sound a little self-deprecating but it’s just the truth. I am a perfectionist when it comes to writing, which a blogger friend told me that “perfection is where creativity goes to die.”… so I keep that quote in my back pocket, I should move it to my front pocket. Thank you, Justin. But it’s also a reminder that I am human really. I tend to forget that I am human sometimes. Beep bop boop. I expect greatness from myself right off the bat. When starting this blog, all I could think about was, “I need a direction to go in. I need consistent topics to write about.” But I guess this is just another form of a diary because currently, I am writing about what comes to my brain first. I will find a directions. I just need to write first then I will discover what may be hidden or right under my nose.

Today is a silly day. I am so hyper and just want to laugh so hard. I get in these moods where I get bursts of energy and I need to be saying something or annoying someone. I can’t help it, it fuels me. I am the third child of four. I had to get attention somehow. Annoyance and making my family laugh always worked.

I didn’t pay much attention in school, but I really liked psychology because I learned about human behaviors. You wouldn’t be able to tell because I got a D in the class but I loved to just listen. No notes. Just soak it all in and forget everything when the test comes around. Taking notes took away from me being present. I really paint myself as a bad student, but I was only half bad.

I could be undiagnosed with adhd or something. It wasn’t enough to have my parents intervene and think it was a problem, which you can easily judge and say it is a bad thing but in hind sight, I liked it. Not in the moment though, I’ll tell you that. I was in low groups at a young age and I knew it and I felt so stupid. To this day, my family and I joke around about third grade when all my friends in the, what I called the “smarter group” were reading a book called “Bannicula” and I don’t even remember what book I was reading. My entire focus was on the fact I wasn’t reading Bannicula. One more school story, in eighth grade, I won the superlative of “most absent minded” HAHAH YES that was a superlative. What the heck is that about? No wonder my confidence was shot at such a young age, not only did I think I was dumb, but then I won a superlative calling me such. Hahaha BRUTAl!

But, I had to learn about how I learned, to learn. It definitely took more effort, but over all I am happy that they didn’t look at me as having some sort of learning issues. Speaking of learning issues, HAHA I found out about 6 months ago I have auditory processing disorder. I went in for a hearing test because my most used word is “what?” so I assumed I was going deaf or something. Turns out, my hearing is extremely impressive but when other noises and conversations are being held, my brain freaks out and is like what should be process?! Not going to lie, I cried.. When I got in my car of course. But in front of the doctor I laughed. I started thinking about what therapies I could have done as a child to improve this and dreamed about the life stolen from me. I probably could have been a doctor or the next Einstein.

In all seriousness, I couldn’t have been a doctor. When people even mention injuries it makes me physically ill. But next Einstein? No brainer. But we can’t focus on the could have beens.

To wrap this up. We all were born differently. Thank God. The way we learn, process things, go about problem solving is all different. We are only as limited as we allow. You can be labeled as not having a brain amongst other things, but the only one who truly knows their limitations is yourself. Forget what anyone has to say about you, they’re usually wrong. If I stopped believing in myself I certainly would not be where I am today. Words are just words, do not let them hold weight. Picture cruel words as rocks you are holding in each hand, after a while they start to get heavy. Drop them and keep walking.

I did not make that up, I heard it somewhere. I wish I could give that person credit because that line is bangin’!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt

All love, always. – Hannah

Make Your Heart Smile

I majored in theater in college. Before then, the only theater I had ever done was the good old Christmas plays in elementary school. I grew up playing sports like the rest of my family and cousins, no one in my family was in the arts so it was pretty random for me to peak interest in it.

As you can imagine, my professors were so unique and deep with life and it’s challenges. It was so refreshing to have teachers speak about life and death, which may sound morbid to you, but it was incredible to me. By trade, they were creators. Years of experience, discipline, and motivation. But the truest thing I loved most about my two professors, was the rawness. They quickly made me trust in them. I saw them so differently than other professors. Not in a bad way, I just felt so connected to them and so interested in their words and stories. I loved theater so much and to this day, I laugh about how I was able to major in it, because it didn’t seem real to enjoy learning that much. Especially as a historically unmotivated and disinterested student.

Long before I graduated, they both would talk about the importance of not losing yourself in the real world when you’re on your own. People who lose interests, hobbies, activities that make their heart beat, can become cold, angry, and function on auto pilot for the majority of their remaining days. Wake up, work, eat, tv, dinner, more tv, sleep. On repeat for the rest of their lives.

“Most men die at 25, but aren’t buried until they’re 75.” -Benjamin Franklin.

When I first heard that quote, it really blew my mind. What makes these people stop living? Then, I learned by experience. It doesn’t just sneak up on you one day like, gotcha! It’s far more secretive than that. It’s a silent killer, Benny didn’t mention that.

I am thirty years old. I FINALLY landed a great job with the best pay I’ve ever earned. Life is so good. So grateful. It’s an entirely new field, so there’s some growing pains, but I accomplished my goal. After a few months of being there, I realized I was digging my grave slowly. Nothing bad was happening at work, it was more so thoughts of, “is this it?”. Is this what my life is going to be like forever? Not that it was bad but I started to question a lot asking myself, what did God put me here for?

What I understood later is that life expands out far more than your work and pay. It’s like I expected eternal happiness because I got a great job. I fell into the trap of my work title and my paycheck defining me. But honestly, it was more so to impress other people that I finally a good job title. To make them think “Oh wow! That’s great!”

But, I wasn’t doing anything for the most important version of me, and that’s the me when I’m not at work. I wasn’t fueling my flame. No wonder I questioned “is this it?” because the only “it” I was referring to was my career. It was nothing about me outside my job. So, no that’s not “it”.

I came to blog. To rediscover my love for writing and I will tell you, these three days have truly made my heart happy and has done so much for me. Maybe this isn’t it either, maybe life isn’t about having it, it’s about doing it, doing something that truly makes your heart smile. Whether that’s, trying something new for the first time, dancing in the kitchen while making dinner, reading a book, swimming, singing even when your voice is not ideal for others ears, playing music, writing music, chatting with your friends, sitting with yourself ten minutes a day, cleaning your house, playing pool, making pottery, doing cool make up, putting together thrifted outfits, sewing, I could go on and on.

There are so many things we can do for our hearts and our identity outside of work. Make your heart happy and do something, anything.