I posted my blog info on my Instagram today and I feel like I just released a part of my brain to people I know now. Oh well. Naaa not oh well. It makes me nervous as heck to be honest. But this is what I am working on. I swear I have imposter syndrome. I just write for fun so who am I, ya know?
I realize I sound a little self-deprecating but it’s just the truth. I am a perfectionist when it comes to writing, which a blogger friend told me that “perfection is where creativity goes to die.”… so I keep that quote in my back pocket, I should move it to my front pocket. Thank you, Justin. But it’s also a reminder that I am human really. I tend to forget that I am human sometimes. Beep bop boop. I expect greatness from myself right off the bat. When starting this blog, all I could think about was, “I need a direction to go in. I need consistent topics to write about.” But I guess this is just another form of a diary because currently, I am writing about what comes to my brain first. I will find a directions. I just need to write first then I will discover what may be hidden or right under my nose.
Today is a silly day. I am so hyper and just want to laugh so hard. I get in these moods where I get bursts of energy and I need to be saying something or annoying someone. I can’t help it, it fuels me. I am the third child of four. I had to get attention somehow. Annoyance and making my family laugh always worked.
I didn’t pay much attention in school, but I really liked psychology because I learned about human behaviors. You wouldn’t be able to tell because I got a D in the class but I loved to just listen. No notes. Just soak it all in and forget everything when the test comes around. Taking notes took away from me being present. I really paint myself as a bad student, but I was only half bad.
I could be undiagnosed with adhd or something. It wasn’t enough to have my parents intervene and think it was a problem, which you can easily judge and say it is a bad thing but in hind sight, I liked it. Not in the moment though, I’ll tell you that. I was in low groups at a young age and I knew it and I felt so stupid. To this day, my family and I joke around about third grade when all my friends in the, what I called the “smarter group” were reading a book called “Bannicula” and I don’t even remember what book I was reading. My entire focus was on the fact I wasn’t reading Bannicula. One more school story, in eighth grade, I won the superlative of “most absent minded” HAHAH YES that was a superlative. What the heck is that about? No wonder my confidence was shot at such a young age, not only did I think I was dumb, but then I won a superlative calling me such. Hahaha BRUTAl!
But, I had to learn about how I learned, to learn. It definitely took more effort, but over all I am happy that they didn’t look at me as having some sort of learning issues. Speaking of learning issues, HAHA I found out about 6 months ago I have auditory processing disorder. I went in for a hearing test because my most used word is “what?” so I assumed I was going deaf or something. Turns out, my hearing is extremely impressive but when other noises and conversations are being held, my brain freaks out and is like what should be process?! Not going to lie, I cried.. When I got in my car of course. But in front of the doctor I laughed. I started thinking about what therapies I could have done as a child to improve this and dreamed about the life stolen from me. I probably could have been a doctor or the next Einstein.
In all seriousness, I couldn’t have been a doctor. When people even mention injuries it makes me physically ill. But next Einstein? No brainer. But we can’t focus on the could have beens.
To wrap this up. We all were born differently. Thank God. The way we learn, process things, go about problem solving is all different. We are only as limited as we allow. You can be labeled as not having a brain amongst other things, but the only one who truly knows their limitations is yourself. Forget what anyone has to say about you, they’re usually wrong. If I stopped believing in myself I certainly would not be where I am today. Words are just words, do not let them hold weight. Picture cruel words as rocks you are holding in each hand, after a while they start to get heavy. Drop them and keep walking.
I did not make that up, I heard it somewhere. I wish I could give that person credit because that line is bangin’!
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt
All love, always. – Hannah
Honey Hannah 